We got a VCR in 1985, and my parents took it upon themselves to tape every kids' special known to man. In 1986, they got this one -- The Kingdom Chums -- a Biblically-themed live-action/animated special. It went on the Fluppy Dogs tape, and I watched it over and over and over. My cousin Sarah remembers watching it with me, and recently told me I should review it for AJ and talk about how we used to beg to watch it. Yes. It was that good. Actually, I don't know why we begged. I think we were just being silly. But without any further ado, I present...
Here we are at All Nations School, where Peter and his little sister, Maryann, attend. They're ordinary kids... or are they?
Sadly, school life isn't nationally wonderful. Peter's best friend, Sauli, is being picked on by a bully. We get a glimpse of this during a cafeteria scene in which the bully makes off with Sauli's brownie, and Sauli, like a young George McFly, is unable to defend himself. Even a carton of nice cold chocolate milk can't cheer up Sauli. He feels like a failure.
And then it gets worse.
Maryann (played by a miniscule Jenna Von Oy) has a pet crow for some reason and she keeps it in a shoebox with little airholes poked in the top. And she brings it to school. After school, the bully swipes Sauli's yarmulke and throws it around like a frisbee. Sauli tries to get it back, falls down, knocks over the bird's shoebox, and essentially kills the bird.
I say essentially, because, well... stay tuned.
So the bird is more or less dead, Maryann is inconsolable, Sauli feels like a moron, and Peter...
...well, Peter just wants to play on his rad 80's computer. He does take a moment to talk to his sister, though. Isn't that nice of him?
Well, not really. All he does is tell her that her bird is beyond dead and isn't coming back. Maryann tells Peter that the bird is going to get better, because Christopher and Magical Mose told her so. Who are Christopher and Magical Mose, you ask?
That's right. She talks to her stuffed animals. But didn't we all?
Sighing at his inability to talk some sense into his sister, Peter happens to look out the window, and he sees something very strange.
Colorful stars! He tells Sauli, and they both look at the sky and are baffled.
They decide to look up the stars on Peter's computer... because apparently he has an awesome stargazing program.
Maryann takes a look at the stars herself, and after a discussion with Christopher, knows just what to do. When Peter and Sauli aren't looking, she takes some sort of pointer pen and plays connect-the-dots and spells out L-O-V-E right on the monitor!
And that is when chaos begins to ensue.
First, the colorful stars start swarming in the window.
Then the monitor begins sucking the kids inside!
And then they become cartoons. The computer also nabs Maryann's stuffed animals, who become animated and are able to talk and be heard by everyone, now, and not just the little girl.
Maryann is oddly calm about the whole thing, but Peter and Sauli are like WHOA. Meanwhile, the animals begin to sing and dance. Soon the kids are introduced to what can only be described as a pseudo-raccoon-panda.
His name is David. He can rap. David is -- yes, you guessed it -- the David, as in David & Goliath, and this episode of Kingdom Chums (why do I keep typing "chumps"?) is allll about him.
Eegah, Maryann, CONTROL yourself! This is childrens' television!
The next thing the kids know, Christopher is sending them through a wacky rainbow -- BACK IN TIME.
They land in Israel, circa A Long Time Ago, B.C. David introduces the kids to his sheep, tells them what it's like to be a shepherd...
...sings them a song in a creepy, womanly voice... and then fights off a gigantic bear.
Blah blah blah enter talk about courage blah blah blah.
Six months later (whoa, time warp), David and the kids are heading toward a battleground. Seems the Israelites (foxes, nice bears, and wolves) are in the middle of a war against the Philistines (boars and mutant kangaroos). You know the drill. There's a giant named Goliath and nobody wants to fight him cuz he's large and all. But David is brave and decides to volunteer.
Meanwhile, in a strange little plot twist, David's brothers are evil, and they think Sauli, Peter, and Maryann are Philistine spies and must be destroyed.
David visits King Saul, voiced by that guy who does Tigger in all the Winnie the Pooh movies, and sings him a song in the girly voice. Tigger agrees to let David fight Goliath. He offers to lend David his armor, but since David is but a mere boyish raccoon thing, he doesn't fit in the armor, and so he decides to fight without it.
R.I.P., David.
Ah, but not so! See, David has a couple of tricks up his sleeve... or fur, rather. Nobody knows about his trusty slingshot, bought at Sears and guaranteed to kill giants or his money back. David finds some stones and pockets them, then gets ready for battle.
And Goliath arrives, looking like the lovechild of a dinosaur and a Transformer. (Of course, that would explain his unusual height, now, wouldn't it?)
Goliath laughs at David's small size, and tries to step on him. But David is quick, and he dodges Goliath. He throws a stick at him. Then, as soon as Goliath is distracted, David winds up his slingshot.
Goliath: "Ha ha ha!"
Goliath: "Ow!"
Annnnd end Goliath. He falls over and is no more. The Israelites cheer.
The bra-wearing Philistines run away.
Sauli, Maryann, and Peter are happy... until they realize that David's evil brothers are going to catch them. They run! They runnnnnnnn. And just when they're just about to be caught, Christopher sends a rainbow from the sky and rescues them.
After some yawn-worthy moral-of-the-story discussion, the kids are sent back home... and they're back to their usual non-cartoon selves. And what do you know? Maryann's bird is alive! She's not surprised, though. She knows it was all her stuffed animals' doing.
Meanwhile, it is now 6:30, and it's time for Sauli to go home for dinner. Peter makes a move to walk Sauli home as usual, but Sauli says he can go alone. What's this...? Sauli is no longer afraid? Could it be that, thanks to his magical adventure, he has become brave?
The ultimate test of bravery is yet to come...
On his way home, Sauli runs into the bully and his cronies. They try to take Sauli's yarmulke again, but Sauli tricks the bully and the bully falls in the mud. Sauli laughs to himself and walks confidently back to his apartment. Sauli is the winner!
So what have we learned today?
*Don't keep crows in shoeboxes.
*All the characters in the Bible were animals, except for Goliath, who was also part toy.
*You should never underestimate the power of a 1986 computer.
*Don't steal chocolate. You'll wind up face-down in the mud.
And, most important of all...
Stuffed animals are real, darnit.
Want to view a TV spot for Kingdom Chums? Right-click the image below
and select "Save Target As..." to view the mpg; 3 mb.
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