Tonight the world mourns the loss of many of its fine reality stars. A party gone awry killed several dozen of them, we are sorry to report... and now, in the aftermath of this terrible tragedy, we must ask ourselves -- without these reality TV stars, who will entertain us? Will we have to go back to relying on scripted TV shows for our entertainment? Oh, say it isn't so!
At this hour it is unclear who started the fire that roasted a posh Beverly Hills mansion. We also don't know just how many survived, since some partygoers fled the scene and some are still unaccounted for. We have managed to reach two of them -- Survivor stars Susan Hawk and Richard Hatch -- but their testimonies are questionable, at best.
It seems the party started out well enough... there was quite a showing, according to Susan Hawk. "Biggest party I done ever seen," Hawk told us. "People dressed all fancy-like. I felt right dumb havin' showed up in my bikini top and cargo pants, but at least I was better dressed than Richard -- as usual."
Richard Hatch refused to comment.
THIS JUST IN! We have obtained a copy of the guest list! Oh my, this is terrible... there are stars from so many shows listed here... people from Survivor, Average Joe, American Idol, Newlyweds, The Simple Life... oh wait, that's not that tragic.
Susan Hawk: "So as I was sayin', it was a party to die for... oh, sorry for my unclassy lil pun, there. Okay, so everyone was havin' fun, right? There was some romance, some swimmin', some good eatin'..."
"...I mean, I was enjoying myself all regular-like. Then all of a sudden someone yells, Fire! and all of us are all Fire? Where? and me, I'm gettin' kinda scared! Then all of a sudden, in comes that Adam putz from Average Joe and he's laughing his head off and going, Ha ha! Psych! I fooled you guys! Ha ha! There's no fire! Naturally, we're all mad as hell at the sick bastard, so we lock him in the cellar. I mean, you just don't joke about that kind of thing, you just don't. Anyway, so the party goes on, right? And we're all dancing and stuffing our faces, when someone else yells FIRE! And this time we all roll our eyes and are like, Okay, who let Adam out of the cellar? Cuz I mean seriously, we all thought it was another sick joke. But it wasn't."
"Jerri was one of the first to go. Wasn't much we could do about her. Fire got her quick. The grip reaper came. We woulda pleaded for her life, but we were all too busy gettin' our butts outta there, ya know?"
"I'm pretty sure Kimberly Caldwell kicked it, too. Last I heard from her, she was running back into the inferno, yelling, I have to go back for my makeup! And Katie Webber, bless her soul, was last seen trying to save Evan Marriott... but I think the fire got 'em both..."
BREAKING NEWS! Firefighters now tell us the fire definitely started in the cellar. "We can confirm that Adam Mesh is a goner," reported fire chief Wynn Berkley. "Not that sad, really, considering he's the pyro freak who started this."
That's all the info. we have for now, but we'll keep you updated on anything else we learn concerning this wacked-out tragedy...
Dang, they buried 'em fast!
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