This past August, Andrea and I decided to pay a visit to her local Toys R Us... Upon our approach, it is clear that this particular Toys R Us has probably seen better days... seeing as how the letters Y, U, S, and part of the R's star are severely damaged. Hey, kids! Welcome to TO-S-Backwards-R! Things must be pretty bad if they can't even afford to patch those up. As usual, I blame Wal-Mart. We enter the store and begin to browse. We're on a hunt for Superman toys. And Care Bears. And Barbies. Annnd just about anything else with a price tag. The Barbies aren't difficult to find, as they occupy roughly three aisles and have their very own larger-than-life beacon... Here we have My Size Barbie. She measures in at 3 feet (tall, that is. She isn't a three-footed mutant. Or is she??) Andrea likes My Size Barbie, but I can't help thinking about that scene in Hook where Tinkerbell suddenly gets huge and breaks her cuckoo clock. This chic costs well over $100 and no child who isn't massively disproportioned is going to fit in that dress... but since you are getting a LOT of Barbie for your money, it's probably a good deal. Meanwhile... In a dark, secluded corner, not far from the Barbie section, is a small display of what I can only call a dumping ground for dolls of very blonde teen actresses. Like... Hilary Duff... ...and, of course, Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen. Mary-Kate was in rehab the day we went to Toys R Us, and while in our hearts we view that as a very serious thing, it doesn't stop us from pretty much mocking them in every way possible. There really is something to be said for the sheer volume of Olsen Twins stuff, but we do find favor with one item in particular: Mary-Kate & Ashley's House of Bling. Yes, I said House of Bling. For an insane amount of money, we have the option of purchasing... a salon chair. And what looks suspiciously like a hairdryer. And maybe a brush. In the end we opt not to spend $30 on a chair... or anything with bling stamped on it, really. After departing the Aisle of Olsen & Duff, we find some more normal looking dolls... Well -- sort of. (Right-click on the photo and select "Save Target As..." to view Baby's video; 1 MB) Truth be told, though, there are some things scarier than that spazzical baby. Like this, for example: In the words of Andrea: "What'd they do to Pooh?" Poor Pooh and his massive swelling. Well, we haven't seen the Care Bears yet, and we really want to see them, so we head in that direction. Only... to get there we must first pass through... Toys R Us is not all fun and games; there's Barneyville, too. Barneyville... ...is very... ...very scary. But happiness is soon to come, as we stumble upon the Care Bear aisle. OMG BEARS!!!! After exclaiming over Wish Bear and Grumpy Bear, our favorites (yes, we play Bear Favorites), it's time to look for Superman. Superman's being elusive today; or else he's just not being manufactured in as large of quanties as, say, the Twins of Olsenness. We head for the action figure area... We find Elliot... ...and we find a Weasley.... And, at long last, we run across ONE type of Superman action figure. Who looks like his chest is about to friggin' explode. Hey look, it's squooshy! With all due respect to the Man of Steel franchise... yeaaarrghh! In conclusion, Toys R Us is classic; it should never go away. If nothing else, I hope you will shop there for all your toy needs, so that it never will go bankrupt and so that I never will be sad... about that, anyway. ...Although if those cashiers ask me for my phone number ONE MORE TIME... ::deep breaths.:: Okay, I'm over it. Leave a message in the guestbook to comment on this article. :) (c)2004 AlligatorJuice.com. Note: This feature was in no way authorized by Toys R Us, inc. and we don't work for them and that giraffe guy is cool.