In early 2003, I was a bit obsessed with American Idol. The following is a compilation of two small articles/rants I wrote in February & March of '03, regarding one of the contestants, Kimberly C. Let's face it, I didn't like her. I'm not really a hating kind of person, but she just bugged me to no end. And since I believe that anyone who puts themself in a reality show is a fair target for either praise or ridicule (or both), I'm gonna post this. And since Kimberly has gotten a job in the entertainment industry thanks to her AI stint, I don't feel sorry for her for not winning the dang contest. Not one little bit. 2/7/03 My Thoughts On... American Idol 2 (Also known as AI: The Spawn, AI: It's Baaack, and AI: If They Do a Part 3, I'm Gonna Lose My Bagel) So I've been watching this show for the last two weeks and laughing because 99% of everyone on there sucks, kind of like 7th Heaven, only on FOX, not the WB, and there's a major difference right there because at least on the WB I don't see Joe Millionaire promos every 10 minutes, and P.S. Melissa, your teeth really are that big . . . so anyway, American Idol 2 is a very funny show. For those of you who missed it, here's a recap of February 5th's show . . . (For identification purposes only) Ryan Seacrest: "Hi, I'm Ryan Seacrest. You may remember me from such television shows as American Idol part 1. Today we're going to tell you who got voted through and who sucks. But first, let's go to a commercial." (Commercial) Ryan: "Welcome back. I'm here with the eight contestants who sang on the show you saw last night. Now, only two lucky people got voted through. It'll take me about 2 seconds to name them. But instead of doing that, because that would be silly, I am going to have you wait twenty fiiiiine minutes. Let's go to a commercial." (Commercial) Ryan: "Back again! Okaaaay. Well then, let's talk to some of our contestants. First off, we have Julia DeMato." Julia: "Hi. I lost my group." Ryan: "We know. So how are you?" Julia: "Fine. Nervous. Want to claw out Kimberly's beady little eyes." Ryan: "Let's move on. Let's talk to Kimberly Caldwell!" Kimberly: "Hello. I'm Kimberly. You may remember me from such television shows as Pop Stars 2, in which I barfed on national television, didn't dance in the dance audition but got a callback anyway, and pissed off juuuust about everybody! Vote for me!" Ryan: "You sure impressed the judges last night. Let's ask those Coke-drinking little buggers what they're thinking riiiight now." Paula: "You have a really nice voice, Ryan." Randy: "Yeah, he does, but it just isn't doing anything for me." Simon: "I'm predisposed to say you're ghastly. No, ghastly is a bad thing. Hello? Hello, are you listening . . . ?" Ryan: "Focus, people. Tell me what you think of Kimberly." Paula: "She'll get voted through." Randy: "Ditto." Simon: "I agree. She IS the American idol. The belt says it all." Ryan: "Looks like you're going to win, Kimberly! Let's go to commercial." (Commercial) Ryan: "Annnnd we're back. Let's call up the top three contestants. The rest of you -- we officially don't care about you now. And the top three contestants are . . . Kimberly! Julia! Charles!" Simon: "Paula, that's my Coke." Paula: "Sorry, but that dippy contestant from week one came back, got past security, and drank mine." Ryan: "Could y'all be quiet now? It's time for me to announce the top two contestants!" Kimberly: "Let me peek at the winner's name, Ryan! Can I? Huh? Please?" Ryan: "Back! Get back! And the winners are . . . Charles and Julia!" Kimberly: "I would like to thank the academy . . . wait a minute, what?" Julia & Charles: "Woo hoo! Yeah baby." Kimberly: "Recount!" Ryan: "Time for Julia to sing." Julia: (Singing) "The only boy, yada yada . . . " Kimberly: "After the show, dammit, that girl and I are gonna have a rumble!" Charles: "I'm gonna pass out now, okay?" Ryan: "Sorry you lost, Kimberly. Here's my phone number, though." Kimberly: "This was rigged! The hot girl with the red belt doesn't win? What kind of contest is this?" Ryan: "Okay, folks, that's our show. Tune in next week, when we'll do this again. And then the week after that . . . and the one after that . . . hey, I never promised this would end someday, people." And that, folks, is baaaasically the way it went. Excitement abounded and my eyes rolled in more unnatural ways than I care to think about. Sure, Ryan, I'll tune in next week -- but only because of the subliminal messages you incorporate into your catchy theme song that demand my viewership. I can't prove they're there, but I have this theory . . . . 3/27/03 Fear and Loathing in Los Angeles Oh dear. I swore (to myself, so I doubt that counts) that I wouldn't do this. But I must. See... a while back I wrote an article about American Idol in which I prettty much zapped Kimberly C. because I don't like her. How mean of me, right? Yeah, well, whatever. Here's the thing. She got voted off the show back in February. But because money can get you a lot of things (I'm kidding... or am I?), Kimberly was picked as a "wild card" and made it back onto the show. This past week (March 26) she came thisclose to being booted, staying by the skin of her pearly whites only because poor Julia got the old boot. Me... I was sad about Julia. But angry as well. The age-old question rings throughout my head: "Why?" My problems with Kimberly began over a year ago when she was a contestant on Pop Stars 2. She was a moody l'il thing, she was. Then on American Idol, she was totally rude to Julia ("we already rehearsed") and had to be softened by the always-cool, now-departed Frenchie. I think at that moment Kimberly suddenly realized, hey -- people don't like weasely biatches. They like nice people. People want a nice American Idol. They don't want me. So I must change. Now, change is good. Repentance rocks. But see... it's not like she changed for the better -- she changed for the creepier. Ever since our dear Kimberly was called back as a card of the wild, she has been what I call Fake-o Kimberly. Now she jumps around the stage in a whole "look at me! look at me!" kind of way; struts -- yes, struts; latches onto other contestants while the group is performing; and basically TICKS ME OFF. I guess I shouldn't take it personally. And maybe I've got it wrong. Maybe deep down she is a warm, fun, cuddly-wuddly person who deserves my respect. Nah... Respect must be earned. And Miss Raccoon eyes isn't getting mine. But... as you probably guessed... I have a confession to make... I am only trashing Kimberly, you see, because I have a secret crush on Clay Aiken. Leave a message in the guestbook to comment on this article. :) (c)2003 Alligator Juice