An all-new primetime reality show! Tonight at 10/9 Central! ***MEET TYPHANNIE*** Hi! I'm Typhannie, age 25. Although I am cute, beautiful, big-boobed, adorable, and smart, I live in a world of perpetual sadness... for I, Typhannie J. Milkner, am single. My hopes and dreams involve settling down with the right guy... you know, THE ONE... and raising a perky little family. I just don't understand why I have had such crappy luck with men. I mean, I SHOULD be totally married right now and be popping out baby number twenty-one, but, like, it JUST HASN'T HAPPENED. Anyway, so out of desperation and stuff, I decided to apply for the new ABC reality show SPOUSE SEARCH! and omg, they picked me! So, like, here are my standards: *Guy must be hot. *Guy must be between the ages of 26 and 26-and-a-half. *Guy must have a good job and know what he wants out of life. *Guy must be able to provide me with security and stability. *Guy must treat me like the princess that I am. Anyway, so here I am, standing in a posh hotel lobby, waiting for the producers to bring out the meat... I mean, my potential husbands. Eeek! HERE THEY ARE!!!!!!!!!!! I am so excited I could just BURST. ***MEET TYPHANNIE'S CHOICES*** Name: Corey Flock Age: 32 Occupation: Actor/Model/Waiter/Dancer Hobbies: Bodysurfing, reading, football, ballet, sampling cheese, watching 'Roadrunner' cartoons, baking. Married Before?: No. Personal Message to Typhannie: Yo. Name: Marco McTavish Age: 39 Occupation: Between jobs. Hobbies: Poker. Married Before?: Twice. Now divorced. Personal Message to Typhannie: I think we could make many beautiful childen together. Name: Angus Pederman Age: 22 Occupation: College student. Hobbies: Programming... in the language of loooove, bicycling (stationary), collecting comic books, playing the trombone. Married Before?: Are you kidding? Personal Message to Typhannie: IF ANSWER = YOUAREHOT THEN GOTO BEDWITHME Name: Ichabod Potter Age: 20 Occupation: KFC manager. Hobbies: Watching movies, playing GTA, going to the arcade, working at KFC. Married Before?: No. Personal Message to Typhannie: I can get you discounts if you marry me. Name: Billy Wong Age: 28 Occupation: Male stripper. Hobbies: Tanning, doing my thang, playing the kazoo and also the harmonica. Married Before?: No. Personal Message to Typhannie: You know you want a piece of me. Name: Byron Hoggland Age: 25 Occupation: Aspiring actor. Hobbies: Acting. Being aspiring. Married Before?: Yes, once. Personal Message to Typhannie: The minute I saw your picture, I fell in love with you. We are meant to be together. XOXOX. Name: Mordred Sangrussi Age: 27 Occupation: Model. Hobbies: Sailing, whale-watching, reading poetry, taking long walks on the beach, hanging out with my dogs, watching Pamela Anderson films, snowboarding. Married Before?: No comment. Personal Message to Typhannie: I have been told I'm the definition of sexy. Come see what all the ladies are talkin' about. Name: Morton Murtz Age: 69 Occupation: Retired. Hobbies: Spending time with my wife. Married Before?: I'm still married... Personal Message to Typhannie: Isn't this the audition for Survivor? Where am I??? Um, this is like... NOT what I had in mind. NONE of you guys are 26, you're all kind of creepy, and... forget this, I'm out of here! I'm going to join a nunnery! PRODUCERS' NOTE: Unfortunately for Typhannie, due to contractual obligations, she was required to date all the contestants one by one. So she did -- with much resentment in her heart. However, after spending time with each of the men, she discovered that they weren't ALL bad... and so, in a tearjerking ceremony, Typhannie handed out cufflinks to the four men she would be keeping around for another go at it. I, Typhannie, have decided to choose the following men: COREY -- His vocabulary may not be very diverse, but his interests are. He's so interesting! He kept my interest all night. I'm definitely interested in him as a potential love interest. ICHABOD -- He's really young, but I feel something there... besides, it's the young ones who can be molded into better, sexier men as they mature. I might just decide to take him on as a pet project. BYRON -- He's really close to the age of guy I'm looking for, plus he's REALLY good at keeping up his end of the conversation. I am not sure about his "career" though. I asked him what he's been in, and he said something about an infomercial. HELLO!?!?! I want SUCCESSFUL men, not guys who sell The Deluxe Chopper at 3 o'clock in the morning to insomniacs who can't reach the remote! MORDRED -- Attractive, romantic... he practically IS me... except he is male. What the Chosen Ones had to say: Corey -- "Dude." Ichabod -- "Sweeeeeet." Byron -- "I think Typhannie is the most wonderful girl I've ever met in my life. I am totally in love with her. I think she should marry me and mother my children. I think we should grow old together and retire in Tahiti and build sandcastles forever and ever. I think her hair is perfect; I want to run my hands through it and just feel it. I want to love her and smother her with kisses. I want to [edited for content as we do not want the FCC on our case]." Mordred: "Time to get married. Aaiaieieieeee." * * * * * * Next week on SPOUSE SEARCH! -- Typhannie chooses a husband and weds on national television! Tune in for a special 2-hour presentation, next Monday! * * * * * * 1/24/05 Leave a message in the guestbook to comment on this article. :) (c)2005 AlligatorJuice.com Disclaimer: The events depicted on this webpage are fictional. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is completely coincidental.