Ten years ago, I became slightly obsessed (okay, really obsessed) with Superman. Namely one beyond awesome TV show in particular that was about Superman. And I started collecting things. Buying things. Receiving things. And it wasn't easy -- in the mid-90's, Superman items were pretty hard to come by. Nowadays, with this whole nostalgia boom, the stuff is everywhere, but back in the day, there wasn't much. Somehow, though, I collected lots and lots of weird, weird things. Beach towels, T-shirts, magnets, tins, books, videos, pens, bowls, party supplies, charm bracelets... you name it. A lot of it is pretty normal stuff. And then there's the rest of it... And so, for your thrillment (or, perhaps, horror) I present to you... The 10 Strangest Superman Items I Own... Burger King Kids' Club Newsletter In 1997, the same year Burger King came out with a line of Kids' Club meal toys (see below) focusing on Superman, they printed this -- a newsletter of sorts devoted to our man in red & blue. Filled with activities, games, and even a contest, this was sure to please small children. And me... and I was 17 at the time... don't think I'm odd or anything... BK Superman Toys Five toys in all, each with a special feature... So hey, Clark Kent is Superman... got that? Right. Push the "S" shield really quickly and the truth will be revealed! Superman balances -- by his chin -- on the Daily Planet globe... which, for some reason, has a giant spike coming out of it. Wow, it's a good thing he's invulnerable! Also, Lois has a really fast car. Useful for driving into giant silos to save the man she loves. Not quite as tough as a Jeep Cherokee, but hey, it's a really nice car. If any of these toys did get recalled, I think it was probably this one. You put Superman on a stick, then push the S-shield, and he flies off into the air. A useful weapon adored by children everywhere. Mothers everywhere were afraid it would take somebody's eye out. Perhaps it did. Superman does his exercises in this fun -- if not completely odd -- toy. Salt & Pepper Shakers These were a gift. And I totally love them. I mean, the second I get my own apartment, they are totally going on the table -- BUT -- they still deserve a place on this list. Superman is one shaker (and look, it's only his top half) and the chair or whatever is the other shaker. Who got paid to invent this stuff, anyway? Milk Bottle Hmmm... okay, so maybe I never paid much attention to the comics, but I always thought the Kent parentals just owned a generic farm. No. It's evidently a dairy farm. And this milk bottle proves it! Not only that, but apparently Jonathan and Martha have exploited their own son by putting him on the friggin bottles and claiming that he endorses the product. And he probably does. But I still think it's weird. Paperclips What can I really say? Superman paperclips, circa 1996, WB Studio Store product. Originally I had four of them, but I gave one away. I guess the idea is -- this is what you use when regular-strength paperclips just won't do the trick. Or something. Scissors Hrm. I just don't like how his legs spread apart like that. Or that he looks like a duck. Macaroni Okay, so in 1998 or 1999, Kraft came out with this Superhero macaroni. Inside the boxes were different-shaped symbols for various Superheroes. I fished out and saved all the S-shield ones. And kept them. Wonderwoman? Oh... I ate her. Kryptonite Crude This was another WB Studio Store product. Originally, the stuff was this flubbery-esque substance, fun for the whole family. But that was eight, nine years ago. Now... it's hard and sort of rubbery and I'm afraid to touch it or inhale the fumes. But here's a picture of it: I never said it was attractive. Crystal-Growing Kit At first glance, it doesn't look that strange, until you really look at WHAT it is. Basically, it was a crystal-growing kit. First you had to paint a flesh-toned Superman. Then you got the crystals started. After that, you filled the tank with water, and eventually the crystals grew and looked kind of pretty. But then the water evaporated and the crystals took on a funky appearance. I still have the actual thing, but it's too gross to show you. Really. It's very disturbing. Almost more disturbing than the idea of Superman perpetually stuck in a tankful of water. Poor guy. Kryptonite Powder Gum It was very difficult choosing which item would make #1, but I think this one has to win. Why? Because of the very fact that it's: That's right... powder gum. It looks like pixie stick dust, tastes like limes, and -- once it's in your mouth -- turns into chewing gum. All that fun and goodness AND it comes in a Kryptonite-shaped container... on a string, no less, so you can be like Mrs. Cox and wear it like a necklace and say things like "we have the genuine article, Lex!" and look all smug. Not that I... did this... or anything.... After consuming all the gum, the Kryptonite can still be fun... all you need is a pen light, and you can make it glow. Yes, yes, ooh, aah... And that concludes this crazy presentation. Thanks for stopping by! 2/6/2005 (c)2005-2006 AlligatorJuice.com