Trading Mom is a very important film in cinematic history. It is! What was Anna Chlumsky up to between the making of My Girl and My Girl 2? She was making Trading Mom! What did Aaron Michael Metchik do when his character, Steven Floyd, was kicked out of The Torkelsons' family under mysterious circumstances? He made Trading Mom! What was Andre the Giant's final film? Trading Mom! What was the low point of Sissy Spacek's career? Tra-- well, you get the idea.
Based on the book "The Mummy Market," by Nancy Brelis, Trading Mom is the story of three siblings -- Elizabeth (Anna Chlumsky), Jeremy (Aaron Michael Metchik), and Harry (Asher Metchik) -- and their obnoxious, nagariffic mother (Sissy Spacek). The kids are kind of messy, but not really what I'd call bad kids or anything... still, their mother hates them and wants them dead. Well, maybe not quite dead. But she's a tyrant, plain and simple.
At school one day, a bully is picking on Harry, so Jeremy steps in to defend him -- and gets in trouble for fighting. Moments later, Elizabeth is caught with a cigarette in her mouth, and the next thing we know, all three of them are in the principal's office. Now, this principal is a humongous moron, and we'll see more of him later. For now, he calls the kids' mom and sets up a home visit. Dum dum dummmm...
On the way home, the kids are all well, crap! because they know their sadistic mother will, in fact, ground them for doing the horrible, awful acts of defending a little brother from being harassed by a bully and putting an unlit cigarette in one's mouth. Before returning home, the kids stop by a neighbor's house, this old gardening lady who is rumored to know magic. The kids ask her if there's any way to get rid of a mother. The lady tells them about one sweet, mother-ridding spell.
That night, after the kids' mom grounds them from watching TV and from getting to go to summer camp, even I'm wishing for the mom to have a house dropped on her. The kids decide to try the spell, a spell that will supposedly erase all memories of their mother.
And it works! The next morning, there is no trace of the old crab. At first, the kids are all like hmm, this is very peculiar. Then they remember what they did the night before...
Steven Floyd searches for a shirt
...and after they remember that, they're all WOOHOO!!! and throw a miniature party and trash the house.
But then, realizing that they don't know how to cook or fend for themselves, the children decide they need a mother. Sadly, though, they can't remember their mom at all! How can they get her back, if they can't even remember her and... oh dear, what have they done?
The kids visit the neighbor again, and the neighbor tells the kids about a mysterious and wonderful thing called The Mommy Market. Kids can go to this magical market and procure a new one, for free!
The kids go downtown to the market, and, upon entering, are given three tokens. They have three tries to find a perfect mother. If they don't find a good one after three, then they're out of luck -- no more chances. And oh, there are so many mothers to choose from! Intellectuals, artists, neatfreaks, martial arts experts... and then there's "Mama" (say it like it's French). Ma-ma. Yeah, that's it.
Elizabeth likes Mama (played by Sissy Spacek... every mother in this entire movie is played by Spacek), and convinces her brothers to agree to try out that one. They bring Mama home, but eternal mommily bliss does not commence. Mama redecorates the entire house, and insists on dressing the kids like poodles. The kids need to get rid of this crazy person, but how? In the end, they scare her away with some help from Harry's pet lizard, and go back to the Mommy Market.
This time, they want someone who is totally different from Mama. They wind up with "Mom," the P.E. teacher from hell.
Mom is the most competitive woman these kids have ever met. She insists upon rules and regulations, and she has no respect for animals. She drags the kids camping, and makes them sleep in the rain. Disgusted, the kids finally ask Mom to leave, too.
Third try's the charm? Back to the Mommy Market they go. It's their last shot, and this time, they have to get it right. But they can't agree on a mother, and Harry desperately wants the Circus Mommy, aka Natasha. Elizabeth and Jeremy veto the idea of a maternal circus freak (I'm not stereotyping -- she really is a freak!), but Harry throws a tantrum, and wins.
The children bring Natasha and her band of merry circus performers (including Andre the Giant) home, but the house soon turns into a psychotic sideshow, with dangerous tricks being performed all around them.
The kids see the error of this mother, and need to get rid of her, too. But then they will have no mother at all! Still, this woman's nuts, so a plan is put into effect. Harry and Jeremy steal Natasha's circus bus, hoping they can lure the performers away from the house so Elizabeth can lock the doors on 'em. But, uh... Jeremy's, like, twelve years old, and Harry's six... so, naturally, they manage to crash the bus. If you think that's bad, it gets worse. Andre the Giant finds them, and tries to stop the two of them from fleeing the crash scene... and Harry, to escape, kicks Andre... you-know-where.
Well then!
Distraught over the smushing of her beautiful bus, Natasha and her friends leave, but not before making the kids feel horribly guilty about what they've done. Now the kids have used up all their chances for a new mommy, but they're not giving up easily. They go back to the Mommy Market and cause a diversion and attempt to steal another token -- but they do not succeed, and are then kicked out of the Market. Nevermore may they return. Nevermore, nevermore.
Steven Floyd's criminal ways come to light.
Oh, I forgot to mention... in order to bring some added hilarity to the movie, the school principal -- remember him? -- has been coming by the house on an almost-daily basis, trying to meet with the kids' mother. So far he's been knocked to the ground and splattered with mud, has threatened to call social services, and is now calling the cops. He follows the kids to the Mommy Market, hoping to nab them. But the kids evade him. Geez, even Harry's smarter than this principal.
Well, the kids are now horribly depressed. They need a mother, and their sources have run dry! If only they could get their original mother back. In tears, the kids try to remember her. Unable to do this, they make up their own memory, and afterwards, wish that their mother would return.
The next thing they know, they're waking up in their own beds! They run into their mother's room and SHE'S BACK! Oh, glorious. "You're still grounded," Real Mom reminds the kids, but they just laugh it off. They don't care that this mom overreacts and is a nagasaurus! Cuz... cuz, well... she can cook! Yay!
For the love of something, Steven Floyd, put on a shirt already!
The end. It's happy.
But mainly because the principal winds up in a booby trap.
Ha ha!
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