Okay, so what is a family film? Basically it's any film that would meet the approval of most, if not all, of the following: *Little Tommy (age 6) *Mom *Dad *Teenage, boy-crazy Betsy *Grandma *Right-wing nutjob Aunt Ethel *Hank, the gardener *The little stray girl with eleven fingers who likes to wander into your backyard on late summer nights to howl. They all like it? All right, then it's a family film. And that being the case, it would probably meet the approval of these people... In 1996, CBS, Dick Clark, and Primestar gave us a really crappy gift in the form of The Family Film Awards. Before I begin this review, I would like to say a few things... 1) I only taped this because my favorite TV show was deemed "familyish" enough to be nominated in the Best TV Show Category. 2) I only kept it because Anna Chlumsky was one of the hosts. 3) I am, at this moment, watching it in its entirety for the first time ever... for the sake of the readers of this website. It is not something that should ever be watched under normal circumstances. The things I do for you, I swear. So here we go. Oh look, it's little Tina Majorino, walking down a yellow brick road to remind us all about how The Wizard of Oz exists. You know, I like Wizard as much as the next person who only sort of likes it, but you'd think it was the best movie ever made or something the way people go on abo-- *ducks flying objects* --ut it. Tina is glad we're here tonight to enjoy the show, and she is pleased that this awards show will become a family tradition. Poor Tina doesn't realize that these awards will be a one-shot deal. Sure, the "Family Television" awards will surface four or five years later, but a tradition this won't be. So sad. Let's see who will be making appearances tonight. Okay, the HOSTED BY credits go to Beau Bridges, Anna Chlumsky, and Joey Lawrence! AND STARRING Tom Arnold! Dick Clark! Charlton Heston! The Rookie of the Year! Kerry Strug! Jonathan Taylor Thomas! WITH SPECIAL GUEST STARS Debbie Allen! Laura Dern! Ray Romano! And more! Okay, so why is there a distinction between "starring" and "special guest stars"? So what -- Charlton Heston is going to be in every episode of the Family Film Awards, but Ray Romano is here tonight, and tonight only? Here are our hosts, Beau, Anna, and Joey! Blah blah blah G and PG movies are super fab, blah blah blah. YEAH WE ALL KNOW WHY WE'RE HERE, GO AWAY! Expect for Anna; she can stay. Oh hey, Pinocchio and Gepetto are here. Jonathan Taylor Thomas's voice is all crackley. Or, I mean, OMGZ IT'S JTT!!!!<3<3oxoxoxoxox!!! Soooo let's see who's up for Most Wonderful Actress in a Picture That's In Motion for Television. *Neve Campbell for The Canterville Ghost -- never heard of it *Christine Lahti for The Four Diamonds -- neeever heard of it Whoa, Christine, not your best look. and *Patti Lupone for The Song Spinner And the winner is... Neve! She is honoring the legacy of The Wizard of Oz by dressing as the Tin Man. Next? Outstanding Male Guy In A TV-Movie. *Paul Scofield for The Little Riders. Who? WHAT? *Patrick Stewart for The Canterville Ghost. He has hair, whoa! and *Robert Urich for Captains Courageous. I will never be reviewing this movie. Winner... Patrick Stewart. Back to his usual self, thank goodness. That whole "hair" thing was freaking me out. Patrick made a joke and has effectively confused Kerri Strug. Why do they keep showing her? Jay Thomas and Connie Sellecca are in the building! And now it's time to present the award for Really Groovy Dramatic TV Series. And our nominees are... *Avonlea. Citizens of a small Canadian town have adventures and romances in 190something. *Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman. Wild and carefree doctor and her mountain man Sully romp around the 1800s. *Lois & Clark: The New Adventures of Superman. Never heard of it. And the winner is... Lo-- Av-- Dr. Quinn??? ... Gawd, I can't even sit through that show. Wasn't there an episode where a bear chased them all into a cabin and they were like OMG NOEZ and then Sully threw an axe? That's all I remember. The cast of Dr. Quinn couldn't be here tonight, so some nice folks from the show have come to represent it. Your glasses are supposed to go in front of your eyes, dear. Oh man, this woman will NOT shut up. Yessss they cued the music. And she's still going... Hello. Music = shut up. Thank goodness, a commercial. I was about to jump through the TV and do away with someone who-- Oh for the love of-- someone just kill me now. Annnd we're back. Thomas Ian Nicholas and Tina Majorino have taken the stage to present the award for Raddest Debut Actor. And the nominees are... *Joseph Anderson, for Mr. Holland's Opus. The deaf son with the wild & crazy hair. *Hal Scardino, in The Indian in the Cupboard. I feel DAMN good. *Kenny Vadas, for Captains Courageous. Ahoy? Winner: "Please, call me Hal" Scardino. More on him later. Okay, next we've got Outstanding Actor in a Television Series... Dean Cain, for Lois & Clark. You are hot. You are very, very hot. I was just kidding about not having heard of your show. I love you. Joe Lando, for Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman. So what's with that whole axe-throwing thing? Why does he do that? Is he trying to impress Dr. Quinn in that shot or did I miss an episode where he's in an axe-throwing contest or something? Well, considering I missed all of the episodes except two, this is a strong possibility. John Lithgow, for Third Rock From The Sun. Wearing leather pants. Ew. Just... ew. Okay, now... come on Dean, come on... And the winner is... ..... joefrigginlando Orson Bean is accepting the award, and he just called Joe Lando a "gorgeous hunk of masculinity." I have just lost my dinner. So, let's see... CBS is airing these awards, and they aired Dr. Quinn. Dr. Quinn has now won two out of the two awards for which they were nominated. Well, they can't possibly win ALL the awards they're nominated for, I mean... that would just be too... suspicious... or something. I might start to wonder if these awards are rigged! Well, we will soon find out, because up next we've got Best Actress in a Dramatic TV Series. And look, it's Teri Hatcher, future Golden Globe & SAG winner! And Angela Lansbury, riding a bicycle! And Jane Seymour, birthing a youngun! Oh brother, don't tell me they're going to give it to the "in labor" actress. They wouldn't, that is SO cliche. And the winner is...? OH SCREW THIS, I'M GOING HOME! Well, my favorite TV show was nominated in three categories, and lost all of them to Dr. F-ing Quinn. So. Why am I still watching this? In 1996, I wasn't. But for the sake of this review, I will not stop now... I must go on... Captains Courageous is up for something else. So's The Canterville Ghost. Something called Stolen Memories: Secrets From the Rose Garden. Winner: The Canterville Ghost. Okay, so Quinn has hogged all the TV awards and Ghost is pretty much monopolizing the movie categories. Gawd, I'm bored. Hey, here's something new & different -- a category for best original song. Our choices are: "An American Symphony" from Mr. Holland's Opus, "Colors of the Wind" from Pocahontas, and "You've Got A Friend In Me" from Toy Story. Ah, Pocahontas prevails. Stephen Schwartz makes the acceptance speech, and might I just say -- all joking aside -- that this is the best acceptance speech of the night? He talks about how people who claim to care about children often don't care about the environment or diversity, so it's nice to see a film that honored both things being, well, honored. Now -- here he is, ladies and gentlemen -- the president of the academy, here to make a speech! Okay, you know how sometimes, at the Oscars, they'll turn the camera on some super-famous actor in the audience? Usually whatever actor is the big deal that year? And Jack Nicholson, regardless? And sometimes they'll catch somebody looking bored...? So while the president guy is making his speech, they cut to Martin Landau scratching his head. Haha. Commercial time. Oh, geez. As if CBS feels a need to rub Quinny salt into the wounds, here is a Clairol commercial featuring Jane Seymour. WELL GUESS WHO GETS THE CLAIROL COMMERCIALS NOW, SEYMOUR? THAT'S RIGHT. THE WOMAN WHO SHOULD HAVE WON. Notbitternotbitternotbitter. Elijah Wood? Did someone say Elijah Wood? Well, speeding through the rest of this thing... Sandra Bullock wins for While You Were Sleeping Kerri Strug is on stage. I forgot how high her voice is. Home Improvement snags the award for #1 TV Comedy. Ron Howard goes hatless to accept his Best Director's award for Apollo 13. Oooh, here we go, an award I can really get behind. Best Child Actor! Nominees... *Christina Ricci for Casper *Hal Scardino for The Indian In The Cupboard and *Elijah Wood for Flipper All right, this is good. I love both Christina and Elijah, and either of them winning it would suit me just fine. And the winner is... Hal Scardino! Yeah, I'm kidding, actually. Christina won. She isn't here. I've noticed very few winners are actually here. Sandra Bullock accepted it from somewhere else. Same with Jane Seymour. I'm shocked that anyone showed up at all, actually. Clearly bribery must have been involved. Clearly. And now it is time for the award for Outstanding Actor. *James Cromwell for Babe. Question -- has he done anything since Babe? *Richard Dreyfuss for Mr. Holland's Opus. *Tom Hanks for Apollo 13. AND TOM HANKS WINS AND HE IS NOT HERE Well, Ray Romano's here. He's here to do stand-up. He's talking about his twins, who were two at the time. Why is it that he's making me laugh here, but his show makes me want to lapse into a coma? One of the great mysteries of the universe, I guess. Here to introduce the award for Best Comedy is that wacky comedian himself, Tom Arnold, who for some reason feels it necessary to refer to that foot-in-his-mouth incident from that other awards show earlier in the year. Tom? Two wrongs don't make a right. Nominees are Babe, James and the Giant Peach, and Toy Story. Babe wins, James Cromwell comes up to accept, and the camera cuts to Kerri Strug. ENOUGH WITH THE STRUG!! Angelina Jolie's dad is here to give the award for Best Drama. Apparently they're running out of time and are trying to speed things along. *Apollo 13 *The Indian In The Cupboard *Mr. Holland's Opus Apollo wins, and while Jon Voight promises us a satellite acceptance speech from Ron Howard, instead we get a video "congratulating" the movie... and the Family Film Awards' credits quickly roll. Oh, thank God. You know, folks, a lot of family films were made in the years 1995 and 1996. They included the Alfonso Cuarón masterpiece A Little Princess, the girl-friendly The Baby-Sitters Club Movie, Anna Chlumsky's own Gold Diggers: The Secret of Bear Mountain, the soccer flick The Big Green, the medieval A Kid In King Arthur's Court, the Olsen Twin extravaganza It Takes Two, the pig movie that everyone forgot, Gordy, the wild & crazy, action-packed Jumanji, and the Twainariffic adventure Tom & Huck. So how did The Indian In The Cupboard wind up with all those nominations, while all of those others got none? The Indian. IN THE CUPBOARD. May I please have a moment of your time to explain some of my problems with this film? First of all, in the books, Omri was British. They cast a kid from Georgia. In the books, Omri was nine or ten. Sure, they got a ten-year-old to play him. One that looks about seven. The books made it clear that only plastic objects could come to life and that each of these objects uniquely represented a soul who had once lived or was currently living. So the Indian? Real guy. The cowboy? Also real. This scene in the movie with Darth Vader and a dinosaur? ...THAT WOULD NEVER HAPPEN!! That movie angers me almost as much as Ella Enchanted. Damn book-ruiners. So -- now that you've experienced the Family Film Awards for yourself, aren't you devastated you missed em? Or were you doing something more exciting on that evening in August of 1996? Like... blinking? Or eating a sandwich? Darn you, CBS. Darn you. You ruined my day. 1/12/2006 Leave a message in the guestbook or the blog to comment on this article. :) Back to TV & Film Back to Main (c)2006 AlligatorJuice.com.