Despite Full House reminding us repeatedly that running away doesn't solve anything, it sure as hell sounded like fun. The movies I watched growing up did little -- if anything -- to change my views. Savannah Smiles ran away and got to have adventures. Pippi and Tommy and Annika ran away and Pippi got to walk on a ceiling and have zany adventures. The Goonies didn't exactly run away, but they did leave home in search of adventures, and goshdarnit, they found some... plus Sloth. In the end, the kids always returned home more enriched than they'd been before. Maybe they'd had a few bad times, but hell... they were better off for their experiences.
So there was no way you could have convinced my kid self that running away was worthless. And by "run away" I'm talking about the knapsack-across-your-back type of running away. Not the teenage-kid-leaving-violent-situation-to-go-live-on-the-streets type. That's different. And sad. Knapsack Running Away is in a league all its own. I don't know a single person who didn't at least fantasize about doing it during their childhood years.
It was all about independence (or about teaching your parents a lesson.) About going off and proving to yourself that you could survive (for a day or two, at least) without your parents nagging you and doing things for you. You could make your own choices, eat whatever you wanted, and live off the land. In the back of your mind, though, you knew that you could go home again. In the end, you went back to your life of rules and bedtimes, and you may even have felt a sense of relief. Once satisfied, Adventure would not come calling again soon. You'd had your fun, you'd proved something, and you could now relax. For now.
When I was about ten, I got to see this movie, On Our Own (1988). In it, four siblings run away from the evil childrens' home in which they reside, and set off across state lines to find their uncle. In a car. Please note: none of them has a license. Lots of things happen to them (more on the plot in a minute) and crazy adventures are had. I liked the movie back then. I recently got a copy of it and rewatched it and started laughing hysterically because augh, it's horrible. Unrealistic. Cheesy. And this is coming from someone who thinks The Goonies is totally realistic, booty... er, booby traps and all.
So here's my take on On Our Own. If you're a parent of young children, I'd skip this whole article. Get the movie for your tykes. They'll dig it. Really. As for me... well... it really all comes down to whether or not you want to trust the opinion of someone who spent two hours watching the movie and is spending another three hours writing an article about a movie she barely even liked.
The film begins with a plot bookend in the form of some old lady. She's in her kitchen, baking something mysterious, and is talking to someone on the phone about some kids who did something outlandish. Grandma asks the person to tell her the whole story again.
Enter... ambulance sirens. The whole opening credits sequence features sirens. What a way to start a kid-friendly movie. Next, we're taken to a home where a body is being wheeled out on a stretcher. Even better! Then we see the faces of four sad children. Mommy has kicked it.
The four orphaned children -- Mitch (15), Katie (13), Travis (8), and Lori (4) -- are sent to a childrens' home because they don't seem to have any relatives. Daddy ran out on the family four years prior, and while the children insist that they have an Uncle Jack, no record of Jack can be found. While at the childrens' home, the kids learn that they will have to be split up. The cute little one (Lori) is the first to get placed. The kids want to be together so badly that when they hear this news, they decide to flee the home.
Their daring escape involves breaking a window, pummeling a nurse with water from a fire hose, climbing up a ladder to the roof, climbing down a fire escape, and then hiding in a field when the (completely inept) cops show up. You think this is wild and crazy? It gets worse.
The kids manage to find their way back home, where Mitch rips Uncle Jack's address from the corner of an envelope he's sent (conveniently NOT ripping off the zip code... and leaving that part of the envelope behind). Mitch also collects all the money in the house (a whopping $9), while Travis manages to get their dog from the neighbors'. The kids do all this WITH the cops there, at the apartment complex, looking for them. Then they take off in Mom's car. A stick shift. Driven by a fifteen-year-old.
A neighbor sees them driving off, and presumably alerts the cops. The cops find the zip code on the envelope and know which way the kids went... sort of. But it just wouldn't be a movie if the kids got caught early on, now would it? So, thanks to the fact that the police are complete morons, the kids manage to make it pretty far. (Origin: Los Angeles. Destination: Arizona/Uncle Jack's house.)
So they're driving, they're driving... and this song sung by "The Osmond Boys" keeps playing. And I mean KEEPS PLAYING. Every time there's a shot of the car driving, the song just STARTS OVER. By the fourth play, you'll have the desperate desire to hurt an Osmond or two.
The kids stop for food, but after purchasing some groceries, they're down to $1.25. Then they run out of gas. What to do? Steal it, of course! Mitch tells a gas station attendant that his dad is using the pay phone... then the second the guy turns around, Mitch jumps in and drives off.
Now, while they're here, we get our first glimpse of Peggy Williams, a woman who will be important later. She's on a pay phone making a call to her mother, who we now know is the old grandma lady.
Grandma is one nosey old woman, and makes a point (in the gas station convo, not the bookend one) to remind her daughter that she (daughter) needs to get married ASAP and start popping out babies before she turns into an old maid and disgraces the entire family, city, and state. Or something. You know -- what most mothers of single daughters seem to be able to do without an ounce of remorse.
Anyway, so the kids are driving along with their tank of stolen gasoline. Night falls. Mitch becomes tired. Katie begs him to pull over if he becomes sleepy, and Mitch agrees -- but of course he drifts off anyway, runs off the road, and hits a small tree. Despite the fact that NOBODY in this film wears a seatbelt, EVER, no one is hurt. But now the car is broken.
The next morning, Peggy happens to drive by where the kids are stranded. They tell her they ran out of gas and that their dad walked to the next town to get some (the old dad story comes out again...). Peggy offers to drive them to town. The kids hop in her car. (Good messages, here. Take rides from strangers. Seatbelts are bad. Stealing is good. Yup yup.) When they reach the gas station... noooo dad! Peggy is worried about the kids' supposed father, and says she's going to call the police and see if they know anything. Police!? NOOO!! Mitch freaks out, jumps in the front seat, and steals Peggy's car.
At the next gas station/food mart they come to, Mitch parks... actually, slightly crashes, the car. He's pretty good at that, wouldn't you say? He decides to see what he can buy for $1.25, and takes Travis inside the store with him, while Katie takes Lori to use the restroom. As Mitch is in line to pay for the goods (wow, he's actually paying!?), Travis sees a man playing a slot machine inside the store. After the man walks away, Travis notices a quarter on the ground. He puts the quarter in the machine and -- big surprise, HUGE -- wins the jackpot.
Just when you think things are finally looking good for the kids, oh, whoops... look who witnessed the lotto win!
Outside the store, the punks try to mug the kids and they all end up getting in a huge fight. Suddenly, Peggy Williams shows up, having hitched a ride in the back of a truck with some sheep. She sees her car, sees the kids, and chases the bad guys away with a cap gun. Then she yells at the kids for stealing her freaking car. Properly ashamed, the kids agree to let Peggy help them. No more stealing... from her, anyway. Over dinner, they explain about Uncle Jack, and she agrees to drive them to Arizona. Right after they all drive off, and I mean not one second after they leave, the cops pull into the very same parking lot and look around with big fat derrrr looks on their faces.
After staying overnight in a local hotel, Peggy and the kids set off down the highway. But soon, the car dies. Luckily, they get a ride from a scaryass truck driver. He takes them right to uncle Jack's big mansion-on-a-ranch.
Then we meet Jack. Thanks to Jack, we learn: Jack's not really their uncle, but an old friend of their dad's. Also that Dad's in prison. Also that Jack has a snooty girlfriend with a spoiled teenage son. In a completely pointless mini-subplot, Jack sends the kids out to the barn with spoiled kid and spoiled kid gets into a fight with Mitch which culminates with a bloody nose and projectile manure. I don't know what this scene is supposed to show, except maybe that Mitch is a little hotheaded, but whatever. It breaks up the boring adult discussion about custody and stuff.
After learning that Jack isn't jumping at the chance to adopt four children, Peggy decides she's going to take the children back to L.A. They spend the night at a hotel. That night, there is a knock on the hotel door. It's Jack. He asks Peggy to come outside so they can discuss things. She agrees. Then he throws her in the pool. Okay, he doesn't. They talk. They discuss the kids.
The next day, Peggy takes the kids to the bus station. As she is buying tickets, the police show up, having FINALLY tracked down the kids. The kids panic and run inside a bus. Then... naturally... Mitch steals it. Oh, for the love of....
Now the chase is on! It's Mitch in the lead, with the police... and a taxi with Peggy riding in it... trailing close behind. A bridge comes into view... a one-lane bridge. Mitch takes the bridge... and the police take the plunge into a muddy creek.
(Mommy, why is there a helicopter reflected in that bus window?)
Thankfully, the police have finally wisened to the kids' ways, and have set up a roadblock not far ahead. I seriously think Mitch is planning to crash through said roadblock, but luckily, Uncle Jack shows up and lands his plane on the highway (yeah... he has a plane.)
Mitch stops the bus. Jack comes to the bus door. The little kids get off. The tears begin as Mitch refuses to leave his seat. "What's the point... all they're gonna do is just take us back to L.A.!"
And then he speaks my favorite line: "All we're trying to do is just stay together, is that some kind of crime or something?"
Let's not dwell on THAT one.
Jack finally gets Mitch to exit the bus after informing him that he's going to adopt the kids.
Cut back to Grandma. Peggy is telling her mom that Mitch is going to get community service and stuff for all his crimes. Grandma passes off the blame for it all on Mitch's alcoholic father. Then Peggy says she has a surprise... OMG GUESS WHAT PEGGY AND JACK ARE GETTING MARRIED! Not only that, but Grandma already knows. Not only THAT, she has finished baking the wedding cake, just now. She was doing that during the whole phone convo. Um AND... Grandma even knows that Jack is coming by in one of his planes to pick her up for the wedding which is going to take place this very night!!!
This disturbs me.
Apparently this phone conversation is taking place, like, a day or two AT MOST after all this has happened. Because we know Peggy is a woman who likes to call her mother for chats pretty regularly... after all, she called her from a freaking gas station, earlier. So this means Peggy is getting married to Jack after knowing him for what, two days? And what about Jack's girlfriend, what happened to HER?
I'd say this whole quickie marriage thing was pretty weird.
Or, I would...
If not for the fact that Grandma has baked them a layered wedding cake with Precious Moments characters on top representing Jack, Peggy, and the four children -- all thanks to a psychic whim.
Grandma definitely wins the weirdness award, wouldn't you agree?
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