ACE HITS THE BIG TIME
Starring: Rob Stone, Karen Petrasek, James LeGros
Original Airdate: 1985
Type: Afterschool Special
I've officially found the Plan 9 of afterschool specials!
Ace Hits The Big Time is so tripped up, goofy, and bizarre that I'd totally recommend it.
Horace Hobart has just moved to a new town and a new school. His sister, who may or may not be the spawn of Cindy Brady, tries to tease him by telling him that he will be murdered by gang members at this new school. For a boy who's already having hallucinations of gang members (he "sees" one in his closet), this isn't exactly nice of Cindy. Horace is truly freaking out.
In addition to the gang member in the closet... and ones outside his apartment... Horace also imagines a scene of gang members dancing, singing, and threating to kill him. This song includes the lyrics "You want my purple socks? I'll give them to you!" Get ready to bust a gut laughing.
Horace is sad because he has to start at a new school with an infected eye. Before school, he tries on various facial disguises before settling on an eyepatch. He wears this to school. The first thing that happens is he is followed by a guy in a limo. Okay, remember that this kid already has an intense fear of gang members. Now he's being followed by a Stranger. It gets even better when the guy in the limo busts his head out the window and yells "HEY KID, I WANT YOU!"
Who is this guy, an army recruiter? Horace is thinking "Pedophile" and runs into the school. Limo Guy, who watches Horace run into the school, then says "Where'd he go?" Duh, moron.
At school, Horace immediately encounters a group of gang-like guys who sneer at him. In class, he meets a girl, Raven, who is very friendly. While Raven is talking to him, Horace happens to glance out the window. He sees the limo parked outside. THE LIMO GUY IS STALKING HIM.
(I'm aware it would be way less funny/creepy if it was just a different limo. Then we could laugh about how paranoid and silly Horace is. Or maybe it's just a coincidence. Maybe Horace dropped some money and Limo Guy is trying to return it. WRONG. Limo Guy is indeed stalking Horace. It really IS that creepy.)
Raven assumes that since Ace (she thinks that's his name) is wearing an eyepatch, he must be cool. Nobody questions whether he might be a pirate or something. She introduces him to her friends, who happen to be the "gang" Horace encountered earlier. They are the PURPLE PANTHERS. Yes, I, too, would be trembling in fear right about now. Horace tries to act tough.
The Purple Panthers think Ace must be a gang member from New Jersey, and they are quick to accept Ace as one of their own. The thing is, The Purple Panthers aren't REALLY a gang. They classify "gang" as people who "hotwire cars" and "steal old lady's purses." And they admit they have done neither of these things in a long time.
See, Ace, you never had anything to worry about. You don't own a car OR a purse! Silly boy.
So Ace and the fake gang members hook up, and that's great, but there's still just one problem... Limo Guy is still stalking Ace. Ace's friends offer to help protect him, but one day when they are not around, Limo Guy's driver gets out and chases Ace. Ace tries to run but Limo Guy's driver grabs him. GRABS HIM. And says "My boss wants you!"
And then Ace is cannibalized, the end.
No wait, it's even more ridiculous than that. Turns out Limo Guy is a movie director. Ace goes to the set to talk to the director and his assistant, Ms. Dupar. I don't know which one is worse. The Director, Mr. Lewis, wants Ace to play a gang member in his movie. He offers him $25 a day. RICHES. Ms. Dupar pinches Ace's cheeks and looks like she wants to do more than pinch his cheeks. Freak.
So Mr. Lewis wants Ace to ask his friends if they'll be in the movie, too. He tells him he doesn't even have to worry about school because they'll shoot it during semester breaks. Riiight. This is all a very elaborately-staged setup, isn't it? Are you cops? Are you dabbling in porn? WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?!?!?!
What seems like the next friggin day, although it's who knows when, Ace and his friends go to a warehouse where the movie is being filmed. They are handed contracts, which they sign, even though they're all underage. It's at this point that I'm going okay... this is one of those "dream sequence" movies, isn't it? All this crazy shit is going to happen and then at the end, Ace is going to wake up in his bed with Cindy Brady throwing marbles at him, right? Come on. Please let this all be a dream.
It's not a dream.
The first night of filming, Ace and his friends do absolutely nothing. They watch a scene being filmed between a beautiful woman and a makeupless mime. Woman and Mime dance to a bad Melissa Manchester-wannabe song and Ace stands there imagining that HE is the mime and that the woman is Raven, because he's got a crush on Raven or something, I dunno.
Then they go home.
At another time, they go to the film location and two of Ace's friends are in a scene. All they do is climb over a balcony. The director yells cut and print, and they all get their paychecks right then and there. But... oh no! Ace has lost his jacket! And they've received a threatening note from a REAL gang, The Piranhas. I guess I forgot to mention that right after the mime scene, the Piranhas busted onto the set and yelled something about wanting to be in the movie. Okay, so now the Piranhas are pissed.
The Purple Panthers, who want to keep their paychecks and their lives, decide to run home. But they are followed by the Piranhas, and often have to hide from them. After eluding them twice, Raven announces that her uncle owns a business nearby, and that the uncle might be able to take them all home.
Cut to the next shot -- they're all in a hearse (I guess the uncle is an undertaker) and they are talking and then they realize Raven is not in the car.
Huh?
But...
HUH?
The Purple Panthers deduce that Raven must have been kidnapped at some point by the Piranhas. I don't know how they know this. I'm thinking maybe they just forgot about her.
Nope, kidnapped. Seriously.
The only one willing and brave enough to save Raven is Ace. He comes up with a daring plan. He bakes a cake. Frosts it pink. Puts it in a pink box. And walks to the Piranhas' headquarters.
It turns out the Piranhas DO have Raven in their custody. Go figure. They release her because they think Ace has a bomb in that pink box. They make HIM open it... yet they stand right there as he does so. Oh, ho ho... it's not a bomb, it's just a cake! And what has Ace written on the top?
The rival gang members are so moved that they eat some frosting and agree to the terms.
And then everybody dances and sings.
I can't remember the last time I laughed so hard.
10/4/2006
(c)2006 AlligatorJuice.com
