SCHOOLBOY FATHER
Starring: Rob Lowe, Dana Plato, Nancy McKeon
Original Airdate: 1980
Type: Afterschool Special
I know I have a bizarre, highly obnoxious fascination with "teen parent" TV-movies. I can't pretend to know why. They just attract me like bears to honey. Maybe I just love the look of sheer horror on the faces of adolescents when they realize they've assisted in the reproduction process and now have to actually care for a seven-pound crying machine who won't stay dry, won't hold down his milk, and can't wait to grow teeth so it can chomp down on your arm and throw a tantrum in the supermarket.
So because of my fascination, I've reviewed quite a few of these kinds of movies in the past year. What makes Schoolboy Father different from the rest? Well, if you can ignore the scariness that IS a young Rob Lowe with a Tom Welling haircut, this is actually a good portrayal of "What it's like"... after the baby is born. Only one of the other teen parent movies dealt with "after" authentically. Make that baby cry darnit, make that teen parent go bananas! Now that's entertainment.
Schoolboy Father is the story of Charles, a 16-year-old cheeseburger of a boy who lives a fairly carefree life. He goes to school, he bags groceries, and he's not a terrible son.
One morning, his mother gasps over the morning paper at a scandalous birth announcement. A "MISS" Daisy Dallenger has given birth. Miss, indeed! Ah, 1980.
While Mom's stewing over that, Charles is going OH CRAP I SLEPT WITH A GIRL NAMED DAISY DALLENGER NINE MONTHS AGO. Could it be...? He counts on his fingers. Then he has to ask his best friend if pregnancies last for nine months. When he is assured that yes, he IS the world's dumbest person, he goes to the hospital to see his son.
So there's the baby. Ten fingers, ten toes. Then Charles decides to go in and see Daisy, who he hasn't seen in nine months because they met (and got it on) at summer camp and don't go to the same school and she didn't call him to tell him she was having his child or anything. Daisy's kind of a bitch. Maybe it's because she just went through childbirth and nine months of hell and Charles didn't, but she's remarkably cranky. She tells Charles she's giving the baby up for adoption.
The idea of adoption doesn't sit well with Charles. He grew up without his father in his life. He doesn't want his baby to be in the same situation. He decides he'd like to adopt the baby and raise it as his own. He speaks with a social worker, and she laughs and tells him he's a moronic dumb$%@&, but if he's really serious, he better speak to his mother.
And then Charles is like damn, now I have to tell my mother I got a girl pregnant!! She'll ground me for sure!
Mom does not take it well. But the faces she makes are quite priceless. Their exchange of words is the funniest part of the movie, hands down.
When Charles's mom sees how serious Charles is, she agrees to help take on the responsibility for the baby during a one-week trial. The social worker places the baby with them, and the week begins. At first it's fine, but before long, Charles is going crazy. He can't sleep because the baby is fussing. He can't go to a friend's birthday party because he has to take care of the child. Before the week's even over, he's screaming at the baby to shut up. That's when he realizes... this is just not going to work.
I almost teared up when he gave the baby back to the social worker. But I knew it was for the best. A sad, yet satisfying, ending to another teen parent TV-movie.
9/22/2006
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