ALL NEW TV SHOWS - CANCELLED
by J. Simpson

Breaking news, folks. The networks have set a new record this year. Only two days into the new season, and all shows have been cancelled.

“It was going to happen anyway,” said FOX's programming chief. “We just figured we’d do it now rather than later.”

What prompted such quick action? “Well,” said the chief, “You see, the first show we debuted this fall, Mad Jealousy, did not live up to our expectations.” And what were those expectations? “We think every show should attract as many views as the Superbowl... or that final episode of M*A*S*H. I mean, there are a lot more people alive now than there were back when that show aired. So, really, our shows should be attracting 50 million viewers a night, at least. When they don’t do that, it leaves us with just one choice. Cancel them!”

This, it should be noted, is nothing new for FOX.

The other networks have taken similar action. Our sources tell us that NBC has replaced all its new shows with re-runs of reality fare such as Where Is My Wife? and Fear Factor: Cheerleaders Vs. Beauty Queens.

But won’t these reruns attract even fewer viewers than the original programming? We asked an NBC programming assistant this very question. “Yeah,” he answered. “What’s your point?”

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